1 AM Thoughts

Gusto kong umibig. 'Yong totoong nagmamahal. 'Yong pagmamahal na hindi gaya ng pagmamahal sa magulang o kapatid, at lalong hindi 'yong nagmamahal para sa init at libog ng gabi.

Gusto kong maramdaman ang sinasabi sa aklat ng mangingibig - na minsan sa isang tao'y mararamdaman mo ang alwan ng tahanan. Gusto kong may pag-alayan ng mga araw at gabing minsa'y mahirap itawid. Gusto kong may kahati sa bawat tagumpay, bawat alaala, bawat ranas na magkasama.

Gusto kong sa kanya'y tatakbo akong lagi pauwi saan man makarating. Saan man dalhin ng ligalig ng pangarap, s'ya pa rin ang katuparan ng pangarap.

Gusto kong umibig; umibig muli.

Tula at Talata

A

Sometimes, I wonder, will you still talk to me had I been sitting across the room and not beside you?

Sometimes, I wonder, will you still lean towards me had I been behind you?

Sometimes, I wonder, will you still smile and talk like you do had it been another person on my place?

I wonder why you reek of cigar like you shove it down your throat, and I never really liked the smell of cigar, but I like the smell of you.

I wonder why even if you speak of riddles and metaphors; and we are a complex interplay of reason and emotion, but I like listening to you.

I wonder why when you were starting to write your songs of love as I was just beginning to master how to walk, but I dream of you reading your ballad as I walk towards you down the aisle.

I wonder why I’m stoked at you – or even just the thought of you.

Maybe, we’re not a fit ‘coz we’re the exact opposite, but wondering about you makes me want to know you.

B

I don’t want to wonder anymore. I want to stop this craziness I am feeling for you.

I know I rejected you prematurely. But that was not my intention.

The logical brain hit me hard that afternoon, but your emotions were too high.

I wish we talked it out in the same language.

I wish you asked me again when I thought it through.

I wish I felt for you before I even spoke.

Is it too late for a reboot?

C

Wala ka namang ginawa.

Bumati ka lang na parang matagal na tayong magkakilala.

Nakuha mo ako sa lamig ng boses mo, sa init ng ngiti mo, sa amo ng singkit na mga mata mo.

Pero bakit ang dating mainit ay biglang naglaho? Nasaan na ang pananabik at tuwa na dating dala mo?

Miss na kita nang labis.

D

Matagal ka na bang nakamasid?

Sapagkat kanina pa ako nagnanakaw sa’yo ng titig.

Sinisipat ng gilid ng mata ko kung ako ba o si Sinag ang pumukaw sa atensyon mo,

O baka naman iniisip mo lang kung anong ulam ang iluluto mo.

Gusto mo bang lumapit?

Parito na, giliw.

Kanina pa kita hinihintay.

Buong buhay kitang hinihintay.

E

“Handa na ang sundalong ito na sumabak sa giyera. Nais kong malaman mong gustong gusto kita.”

- 100 Tula Para Kay Stella

F

You know, I’m doing a review on Risk Communication. Literature maintains that risk is the probability of adverse unexpected outcomes. The opposite of risk, however, is safety. It seems that the higher the risk is, the lower the measure of safety. So, risk communicators and risk scholars forward that we should avoid risks at all cost, if you don’t want to jeopardize your comfort. But, I am not convinced of living in a pseudo-safe state without knowing the real consequences of the situation at hand. Remember, risk is also socially constructed and we’ll never really know its measure unless we experience it first-hand. So, I want to know. Do you wanna have coffee with me sometime?

G

Gintong aral ng pag-ibig at pagkasawi:

Tapos na.

Huwag umasa kung hindi sinambit ng mga labi.

Huwag ipilit kung hindi ukol ng langit.

Ang bawat pagkabigo ay aral.

May hapding kipit, pero kailangan danasin.

Tapos na.

Sa pagtatapos nitong kuwento

Kung hindi rin lang tayo

Maaari bang huwag ka nang babalik?

Huwag ka nang babati.

Huwag ka nang lalapit.

At lalo’t higit

Huwag ka nang tititig.

Tapos na.

Dito natin tapusin ito.

Ganito natin piniling isulat ang wakas.

Ganito tayo dapat yumao

Marahil hindi naman pala dapat ipinilit.

Dahil sa huli,

Magtatapos na.

Check.

Test.

It's Summertime

What better way to spend these bizarre-rainy-summer days than to stay online and satisfy my bloglust, as what I wanted to call my hunger for journaling. Having been so induced to scribe, I enumerated my random thoughts as follows:

• Hey people! I’m done with my thesis, sleepless nights, stage arts, office hours, translation, layouting, and (whew!) junior year! I promised myself to be a lot more outgoing this summer for I presume to have greater amount of work once this school year starts. But heck! The sun hasn’t been shining for almost a week now and Kuya Kim reported the possible formation of two typhoons inside the Philippine area of responsibility at the middle of summer. Amp! How about the beach? Momi!

• The smell of alcohol doesn’t seem to appeal to me as before. Apparently, I tend to choose coffee, which actually makes my heart palpitate, over a bottle of beer.


• I admit that I don’t get easily attached to a person but when I do, I really mean I do. In my three-year stay as a college girl in SLSU, I haven’t felt this much appreciation as now. I sooo miss a lot of people these days. Maybe the weather had some connection with this. I miss my co-CrazyKarters, Rjeanne, DocPanic, Bruskoo, Orikorik, especially RajaBruha for his patawa acts inside the classroom. I will miss Karen and her bed for she will be starting to work and temporarily leave school. I miss my crush (*wink), his insights and the no-matter-how-corny jokes he throws to me. I miss the publication office, or generally Lucban and its people.


• Waaa! Tribu is never lost afterall. We went for a picnic and yes, hell we care about the weather. But what made this outing special for me is that Portia, my best friend who happened to be looong lost every Tribu gathering, came with her boyfriend. It was not my first time to see them together but I can't help looking at them. They are so natural, so sweet and obviously in love (*cheesy)! I wish the two of them last until the end.

• People ask why Rea and I call each other "kadate" (read as kadeyt). Well, it started back in high school, sometime in October 2004, when we agreed to have a date after a year. It did not happen in 2005. It had just happen now and with us are some of our high school friends: Kheng, Jo and Mean. Think about going to Lucban to attend the mass, goof around for some photos, satisfy our tummies, more photos, head back to Tayabas, slurpee, more photos - definitely a date to remember. Again, we agreed to meet 365 days from now.

• I noticed a particular expression which I utter almost always when I need help, when I get too excited or when I just feel like saying – momi! Well, everybody knows how a daddy’s girl I am and I’m vocal about it but I guess, kids, no matter how young or old, at the end of the day, will always run to their mothers for a wounded knee.

Just About to Start

Deal with it. Nothing satisfying comes in one package. It requires great amount of preparation and sacrifices.

Just few hours ago, my thesis (ugh!) partner and I presented our self-inflicted study to our equally-cooperative panel of judges. God knows how nervous we were the night before. I could not even sleep due to extreme excitement, thinking and trying to practice my prepared speech. I am confident with our study, so was Ageh (my thesis partner and friend) and so we almost barely motion the hand clock to strike one!

Long before the BIG day, we engaged ourselves with the not-so-different-habit of a language researcher. Cramming. I guess, that's what I am and that's what I'll always be - a cram queen; you know, chips and TV on laid-back weekends and few hours of sleep weeks before the oral defense. That gets me to the core of my study. Just like what I always say, believe in the power of adrenaline rush, although it doesn't work for me sometimes.

Still, no matter how haggard we got, we received favorable results from our respondents and finished the study earlier than we could ever think of.

The moment of truth. Everything was geared up for our study entitled "Audio Material as Instructional Tool in Teaching Poetry". It is, obviously, given that the material should be played and listened to. Everyone was ready and so were we to defend our research. Since we are most familiar to our panel, partial sense of nervousness could be sensed between the two of us, and among the other researchers. That helped me more confidently discuss our study. However, the technology doesn't seem to cooperate. We played and tested the audio material several times before the actual defense but it suddenly refused from playing the moment when we badly needed it to play. Okay! There was a three-minute dead air which happened twice and which I believe will reflect on our evaluiation SIHT!

Although we received flattering comments, still, I wasn't expecting the technological failure at the midst of our presentation, knowing that I have readied myself and everything we needed.

At the end of the day, still, I would like to believe that everything was worthwhile. I am quite sure that this study doesn't just end here; that EFL teachers will gradually engage to using these types of material in the Philippine setting; that more (uhgr!) editings due to minimal formatting errors are to come; and that everything for me is just getting started just like how the way I wanted to start working for the printing press as an intern, just like how the way I started to know that he likes me and just like how I wanted to change the mood of my initial blog entry. Hahaha! Can anyone tell me the meaning of coherence please?

On the lighter note, following are my captured moments with Ageh from the radio station as we recorded our material.

Irrevocably Masochist

The night called me to cry out my ramblings. I have suffered much and of great intensity. The killing must end.

I wasn't really disrespectful before. I was the say-it-and-I’ll-do-that kid. The thing is, when thunderbolts hit deep under your chest cavity, scar still remains even after the long healing session.

Almost all my staff, especially my assoc and managing eds know that my publication adviser and I are not in good terms. Actually, even some of the staff find it hard to “deal” with her but I don’t want to add heat to their flame. Mine is a different thing; a totally different thing and is becoming personal now. Somehow, she starts acting immature (allow me to say it in my own words) and irrational. Even before I started my editorship, I heard stuffs about her but I never expected it this grave, and the past few days are worst.

It started on Friday when we finished the layout of the folio. She was not in her office the whole day and when she finally showed up, she was eating with her co-profs so I decided to be back by five; and she was out. I called her home and we had a great deal that I’ll be bringing the package the next day. Come Saturday, I texted her to inform that the package is ready for the printing press. I just want to stress that my intention is just to inform her, not to ask permission. Her response is to hold the package until Monday for us to talk because she hasn’t seen the articles yet. I insisted that I’ll be showing the blueprint right after I send the package to the press for a clearer view of the layout (of course with the articles laid out). Through that, she can point any adjustment she wants. I guess, for a while she understood my situation. She gave me a nod but it didn’t last long. She, again, hampered the package when I asked her about the proof reading. So the children (my assoc and I) are back to Plan B – bring the package on Monday. I wonder how she easily gives a nod and a NO, as if she wasn’t talking about business. Okay! I thought I was the kid here.

Come Monday, I saw her rushing down the stairs. I persisted to show her the layout from the PC. Her response was to reserve it until the next day because she was busy with her thesis. (I thought she wants to see the layout?) Come Tuesday and we had a great game of hide and seek. The thing is I never caught her unless she was saved. She wants me to fail for my deadline. Those chasings made me talk to the dean for support. With satisfaction from the dean’s response, I hardly waited for Wednesday.

Come Wednesday, my adviser confronted me with some foul words that I believe, I do not deserve; considering my sacrifices and my concerns for the publication. But not a single emotional torture stopped me. I set a meeting with the publisher. Luckily, he was on the way to Lucban and we had purely business talk. With me was Marvin, my associate editor, to hand the package to the encoder. Again, I picked another lucky coin as Kuya Brenn (the encoder) passed the package immediately to the negative, keeping the entire pre-submitted packages from other publications in the waiting line. Shhh! Even the publisher doesn’t know this. =) I can’t exactly tell whether I won the battle that afternoon. The only things I am certain – I did it how I believe it should be and things went just the way I planned it to be.

If you are to ask me what am I getting from these? I might pause for a while for I could not present any tangible evidence to prove the worth of my job and why I honor it that much. Socially. Emotionally. Personally. I have gained much from this experience; and if I still can, I will.

Masochist. A hippie defined the word in an interview as one who suffers pain for passion; purely for human wants. Metal heads are that. They keep on playing heavy fcuikn' music for primary, personal satisfaction and for secondary, art's sake. I guess, that made me continue being part of the moshpit because I see myself enjoying the slam. You see, after the head bangs and the pushes-through, nothing's left but body ache. At the innermost of my senses, I have ejaculated an expression that the mainstream does not, will not, or will never understand. Truly, what is most difficult is most satisfying when achieved; and what the body achieved from blood is addicting to the soul. Masochism.

http://kamlatut.multiply.com/journal/item/13